It is almost Christmas morning, and I am ready to go to bed. After visits from and to family and friends, trips to see Santa, wrapping gifts for all, baking, etc..., I am tired, but not too tired to reflect back on what the last 4 weeks have been like on our home.
The house has been full... of laughter and singing. The children are more aware this year, than last, of the joy and wonder of Christmas. They are learning Christmas carols, developing favorite Christmas movies, and becoming increasingly more aware that it means presents.
The house is full... of the patter of little feet and the cries of joy as they discover our Elf, Diamond's, resting place for the day.
The house is full... of little hands reaching for bright lights and soft ornaments, even trying to pull needles off the tree.
The house is full... of little voices asking when we can go see Boe and bring him flowers.
The mantle, is full... of stockings waiting to be filled with Santa's goodies. We now have Brody's stocking, so it is complete.
In spite of this fullness, I cannot help but feel a nagging sense of emptiness. Yes, the stocking all hang on our mantle; but, as all have been taken down, bulging with Santa's treats, one remains hanging, filled only with notes and a mommy's hopes and dreams that will never come true.
Yes, the little hands reach for lights and ornaments on the tree, but mommy's eyes always float to the booties which will never hold precious little feet. They hang front and center to remind us of his presence.
Yes, the carols are being sung, but certain songs cannot be heard without mommy getting tears in her eyes, for they speak of angels and peace, and she wonders, is he an angel? Is he at peace?
Yes, they run through the house squealing with delight and excitement, but he will never join them.
Even though there is a void which can never be filled, I also feel so filled with his presence. I know he is here with us, watching and enjoying from afar. I know there is a part of him that lives in his surviving brothers and his younger brother, as well. It is a gentle sweetness, an innocence that makes me squeeze them that much harder or hold them that much closer. I am full of love for him that cannot and will not ever be edged out by his siblings. I am full of memories of the days that I did have with him. I am full of gratitude that he is mine, and I am full of grace knowing that God trusted me with one of his precious souls.
Merry Christmas, sweet Boe. I love you and miss you so very much