Tuesday, August 20, 2013

April showers...

OK, so I know April has been over for quite some time, but it has been since then that I have been grappling with all kinds of really ugly shit.  April is the month when we found out that Boe might be showing signs of a struggle, April is the month that we did everything we could to ensure his survival, April is the month when my 3 precious boys were born, and April is the month I buried one of my sons.

Needless to say, since 2010 April has been a very bittersweet and emotionally tricky month in our home.  It seems that since 2010, there has been a shit storm circling our family every April.  Sometimes it smells much worse than others, but we are always well aware of its stinky, unwelcome presence in our lives. 

Fast forward to 2013.  We celebrated my boys' 3rd birthday with a wonderful party.  We had a "Stache bash" with all kinds of mustaches and little "man" inspired things; that's what they are, my little men.  Friends whom I have not physically seen in quite some time were able to come, and it was a beautiful day.  It was the last time I saw my best friend, it was the last time I hugged her, it was the last time I heard her speak in person.

7 days later she was dead.  7 days later my "person", the one who, except for my husband, knew me best was dead.  It was sudden, unexpected and horrific.  It was the kind of news no one wants to receive, and 3 and a half months later, I still cannot believe she is gone.  I still expect a phone call, text or Facebook message chiding me for being so silly, so na├»ve to believe that she is dead.  That message does not come.

She is dead, she is not coming back.  As if April was not already a hard enough month to get through, now I have to add the anniversary of her death to the list of turds that fall on my house every April.  Her death has left me lost.  It has awakened in me feelings and emotions that I thought were long packed away.  Her death has not made me stronger, and that breaks my heart, for she always said I was one of the strongest people she knew.  She'll never know how much that meant to me, as she was one of the strongest people I knew, and I admired her so.

So, I apologize if this space has been quiet for so long, but, as you can see, I've been dealing with some ugly shit.  I am not a better parent, wife or friend for any of it, and I think that is what bothers me the most.  I'm not sure what it will take to get myself out of this colossal shit heap in which I find myself, but I shall sure as hell try.  I'll try for her, I'll try for Boe, and I'll try for everyone else who loves me and needs me, for they sure as hell deserve better than what I can offer right now.  I'll also try because I know that in order to be that girl she knew, that strong girl she made me out to be, I have to be and do better than what I am right now.

And somewhere, I hear her singing, "Freedom!  Freedom! Freedom!  You got to give what you take!"  KGF, March 12, 1974 to April 27, 2013.