Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Everything I've ever wanted... Just not quite how I had planned.

This is so true. If I think back on what I have always dreamed my life would be, with rare exception, I have what I always envisioned. When I was in high school, I concocted my "plan"; the blueprint that designed my future through college and beyond. It went something like this:

1. Get married at age 20

2. Start a family right away, having 4 children spaced 2 years apart. I figured if I did this, I would be done by age 28 and still young and hot.

3. Live life to its fullest because my plan had played out exactly as I had planned.

I had it all figured out, right? If only. God did hear my plan, and in someways he did listen. I just think my ability to communicate my plan to him became a bit like the game of "Telephone", he heard me, it just got lost in translation. I say this because this is how it happened:

1. Meet future husband at 26, marry him at 28. Shouldn't I have 4 kids by now???

2. Live life to its fullest and enjoy my husband for 4 years before even entertaining that "kid" thing.

3. Try for 2 years to conceive and then give birth to my daughter 1 week after my 35th birthday. Shouldn't I have a 14, 12, 10 and 8 year old by now?

4. When my daughter is 6 months old, conceive spontaneous triplet boys. Give birth to them at 32 weeks and 5 days gestation. 1 sleeping, 2 living. I am 36 years old.

5. When my boys are 9 months old, get pregnant again (not on purpose). Miscarry the pregnancy 1 month later.

6. Before even resuming a normal menstrual cycle, get pregnant again (not on purpose). I am 37 years old when the test comes back positive. Shouldn't I have a 16, 14, 12 and 10 year old by now?

7. Still being written...

So you see, God DID hear me, sorta. He heard 4 children and he heard spaced 2 years apart. What he did not hear was that I wanted them EACH to have 2 years between them, not all be born within 2 years. He also seemed to miss the fact that I, of course, wanted them all alive, here with me.

I am past the point where I "blame" Him. In keeping with the title of my blog, we may have one plan for ourselves, while His is totally different. Not wrong, not bad, just different. I DO have everything I ever wanted. I have a loving and supportive husband, and he was soooo worth the extra 6 years I waited. I have 4 beautiful children, 3 living and 1 in heaven, with 1 more on the way. God heard me there too. I'll have 4 children with me on this Earth, I just get an extra one up above. I have a beautiful, warm home filled with laughter and chaos, I am healthy, and I am loved.

So you see, even though life may not always work out as WE had planned, it does work out as planned. Just not our plan. This is a daily reminder to me that I need to keep my mantra in the front of my thoughts. What happens to me in this life is not up to me. It is not my design. I must remember to want what I have and take what I'm given with grace.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sensitivity 101

So, there's this new "game" circulating on Facebook that is designed to bring awareness to Breast Cancer. This "game" basically has women who choose to participate post how "far along" they are in their pregnancy and what they are craving. For example, I am 14 weeks and craving M & M's.

I am all for raising awareness of causes which are near and dear to our hearts, but to do so by posting a fake pregnancy is beyond repugnant. I am sure there is some other fun and creative way to bring awareness to a cause that does not involve trivializing the sanctity of life. I have asked my self if I am being overly sensitive to be bothered by this "game".

I have decided that, no, I am not being overly sensitive. As a woman who has lost a child, I find creating a fake pregnancy for the sake of raising awareness for a totally unrelated cause to be extremely gauche and flat out insensitive to the scores of women who have lost a child.

Why not post your dream bra size? Or how old you were when you first got a training bra? Better yet, just post "Save the Ta-tas" or "I love Boobies". Short, sweet and to the point. It is so very sad to me that so many people are so quick to post a status that champions something such as cancer, how wonderful your mother is, what a superior sibling you are, but very few people are willing to change their status to something which has to do with the loss of a child.

I'm sure very few people even know that more children are lost to stillbirth every year than die of SIDS. Yet, how much information are we bombarded with in relation to a tragic happening such as SIDS???

Don't get me wrong, causes such as cancer awareness, the prevention of abuse, drunk driving, smoking, etc... are all quite noble and I personally support all of them; however, I think we all, as human beings sharing this life, need to be a little bit more sensitive to what we say and how we say it. Not that we need to be "politically correct", that ship has sailed way TOO FAR in my opinion. We simply need to be a bit more AWARE for lack of a better term.

So, I challenge those of you who read this to find out if and when there is an "Awareness" month or day to bring attention to child loss. Post something pertinent and sensitive as your Facebook status on this day. In the meantime, I'll play along at your little "game".

I am 30 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow baby, whose name is Brody. I am craving the feel of my little boy Boe in my arms.