The bad news is that my doctor wants me to begin fetal monitoring because I am AMA. Advanced Maternal Age. I know most women would be ecstatic for the opportunity to "look in" on their bun; to see him/her cooking, little heart beating, little limbs moving, etc., most likely inspires joy and the anticipation of meeting their little one. I am not one of those women. Having to return to Fetal Diagnostics at the hospital fills me with dread and sadness. It is the last place and time that I saw Boe alive.
Will I be able to walk in to that office and possibly see one of the same nurses again? Will I be able to look at my baby on the screen and separate him from my memories and recollections of that last time I was there? Will seeing him float around in my belly inspire the excitement and joy that I WANT to feel, or will it only amplify the sadness I still carry over Boe's death?
When my doctor told me at today's appointment that he wanted me to start doing this twice a week for the remainder of my pregnancy, I held it together and made my appointments. It wasn't until I reached the elevator with my husband that the tears started to flow. He knew right away what I was thinking.
I know that Boe is watching us from above and that he and God want us to have this baby since we can't have Boe here with us. I hope and pray that this little Baby, whoever he is, does not think that he will always be a reminder of or a substitute for Boe. He is his own little person and will forge his own way in this world.
I am certain that when he arrives, it will be on his own terms and all the angst and fear that Adam and I have felt over the last several months will melt away. Having this new baby will never undo Boe's death, but I do believe that he will bring some joy and some light to a place that has been dark for far too long. I will probably look at his face when I hold him for the first time and think about how silly I was to be worried over something as silly as revisiting the last place I knew Boe was alive, but until then... what do I do?