Saturday, October 22, 2011

Journey's End

I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant, the most pregnant I have ever been. We have scheduled a c-section for Friday, November, 4 at 9 AM. I know, now, that in two weeks or less, I'll be meeting my last child and holding him for the first time. I have tried so hard through out this pregnancy to not complain, for I know there are so many women who long to be in the position which I currently find myself.

Yet, here I am, full-term, and I am SO ready for this journey to be over and the next leg to begin. These past 37 weeks have been some of the most trying of my life, both physically and emotionally. Physically, one would think that the burden of carrying 3 children at once would be far harder than carrying one. Such is not the case (at least for me). This pregnancy has been the most physically trying I have endured. Perhaps it is because I now have the little one growing inside of me who depletes my resources and the 3 on the outside who use me as a jungle gym, cuddle spot, warm blankey, etc... all needing me in their own way. My hips are sore, I am tired, I am always thirsty and hungry, I can't breathe, not to mention, I feel totally unlike "ME". I am swollen, slow and see a tired, sad face staring back at me when I happen by a mirror.

Emotionally, these past 37 weeks have been like the world's craziest roller coaster. There have been moments of excitement and joy, there have been moments of fear and anxiety, moments of anger and frustration, and moments of great sadness and worry. I am in a place now where I am excited to meet this little being, whoever he may be.

In the past, my husband and I have always had everything ready well before our babies were expected to arrive. Not this time. There is no crib in the nursery yet, no pack-n-play next to our bed, no sanitized bottles, no car seat in the car, my bag is hardly packed. We figured, why bother? We have always been so prepared, and look where it has gotten us. This time, as hard as it has been for both of us, we've been winging it. Now that the moment is nearly upon us, we are taking a wait and see approach on this little one's arrival. We don't even have his name picked out. We are going to just wait and see what he looks like when he comes out, pink and screaming.

In the final days of my life as a pregnant woman, I try very hard to savor every kick, move, hiccup and contraction I feel. They will be the last I experience. Nothing about my journey to become a mother has been "normal" or "textbook", and I am at peace with the fact that I will never have that as a part of my story.

As this journey comes to a close, I can look back over the last 3 years, and especially 37 weeks, with both great joy and great sorrow. Fortunately, for me, the voyage has had way more joy than sorrow. The sorrow will be something that I carry quietly with me forever; however, I am certain that it will only serve to make me a better mother, wife and person. When our little boy finally enters this world in the next 2 weeks, he will open a new chapter in our life. God willing, it will be a chapter filled with much joy and happiness. A chapter that will give us and those around us hope that even after the darkest of days has been upon us, the sun can shine again. Its light can warm our hearts and minds so that we can openly and unabashedly enjoy the life which God has intended for us all along.

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