I'll admit it, since Boe died, I have had a very hard time with church. I am way past the "How could God do this to me?" phase. I am no longer angry or willing to take issue with Him; afterall, he takes care of my baby and loves and protects him as I never could.
I have a hard time with church because it is the last place that I saw Boe right in front of my eyes. He was physically present in the vestibule of the church before his service and in the church with us during the ceremony. I'll always remember what it was like to watch the little blue box that held his remains be carried to a car and driven off, forever out of my arms. It happened on the steps of the church, and for that reason, it has been so hard for me to return.
When we do go to church, I often find myself standing in the circle right in the center of the vestibule, that is where his little box lay as we greeted friends and family before his service began. As odd as this may seem, I truly feel him there, and it is the only place in the church where I feel at peace.
What is the answer? Do I avoid church forever? No. I still believe, wholeheartedly, in God and the miracle of his creations. I want my children to be raised knowing that there is a being so much bigger and more powerful than we, someone to whom we can always turn in our darkest hour or greatest triumph.
Maybe there is hope. Just recently, Brody was baptized. We had to go to mass not only to have him anointed, but for his Christrening as well. For the first time in a longtime, I was able to stand in church and recall certain aspects of Boe's service while simulataneuosly rejoicing for Brody. I was able to hear the "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star / Jesus Loves Me" medley without being reduced to tears. I was able to sit right up front without being paralyzed by the fact that one of the last times I sat there was at Boe's service.
Isn't that how it's supposed to be though? With God I mean. Isn't He supposed to stand next to us in celebration and then carry us when our burdens are simply too much to bare? Maybe that is why convening in His house is so important, regardless of the events through which we are currently passing. Being in His home reminds us that we always have a place. A place where we can go to shed feelings of sadness and give them over to Him; a place where we can go to turn our faces to the heavens in joy and celebration; a place where we can bridge the gap between the physical and spiritual plane to feel those we love the most around us.