Remember when you were in high school and you would make your significant other a "mix tape" ( or CD) for special occasions? You could spend hours on end finding just the right songs and place them in just the right order. I did that for Boe. He has his very own playlist on my IPOD. It is a work in progress, but the songs I have so far are:
Mad World by Michael Andrews
Beautiful Boy by John Lennon
Lullabye by Billy Joel
Let it Be by the Beatles
I Grieve by Peter Gabriel
To Make you Feel My Love by Adele
So Small by Carrie Underwood
Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood
Smile by Lyle Lovett
For Good by the Cast of Wicked
Brand New Wings by Peter Brandon
I listen to these songs when I want to feel close to Boe. Usually at night when I am working on the computer or the rare occasions when I am alone in the car. One or all of these songs make me cry EVERY time I listen. Why do I torture myself in this way you may ask?
Sometimes, it does feel like torture; the wound of Boe's passing being ripped open and salt being poured in the gaping hole his absence has left behind. But sometimes, it feels hopeful. Sometimes, I can listen to these songs and smile as I remember carrying and nurturing Boe for 229 days. Sometimes I can listen and know that even if he is not physically present he is always here and by remembering him, he always lives.
Sometimes. Today was a torturous, wound-ripping day. Today was a day that I listened to the lyrics and cried because he is gone, he is not coming back, and he feels so far away.