Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Remember when you were in high school and you would make your significant other a "mix tape" ( or CD) for special occasions? You could spend hours on end finding just the right songs and place them in just the right order. I did that for Boe. He has his very own playlist on my IPOD. It is a work in progress, but the songs I have so far are:

Mad World by Michael Andrews

Beautiful Boy by John Lennon

Lullabye by Billy Joel

Let it Be by the Beatles

I Grieve by Peter Gabriel

To Make you Feel My Love by Adele

So Small by Carrie Underwood

Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood

Smile by Lyle Lovett

For Good by the Cast of Wicked

Brand New Wings by Peter Brandon

I listen to these songs when I want to feel close to Boe. Usually at night when I am working on the computer or the rare occasions when I am alone in the car. One or all of these songs make me cry EVERY time I listen. Why do I torture myself in this way you may ask?

Sometimes, it does feel like torture; the wound of Boe's passing being ripped open and salt being poured in the gaping hole his absence has left behind. But sometimes, it feels hopeful. Sometimes, I can listen to these songs and smile as I remember carrying and nurturing Boe for 229 days. Sometimes I can listen and know that even if he is not physically present he is always here and by remembering him, he always lives.

Sometimes. Today was a torturous, wound-ripping day. Today was a day that I listened to the lyrics and cried because he is gone, he is not coming back, and he feels so far away.


  1. I was in tears during the final song in Wicked, For Good. I thought of my Aiden and your Boe, and how deeply we all love our babies gone too soon. I felt like the song was written for us.

    "But because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

  2. I am a new follower and just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Boe. I found your blog through the Faces of Loss site. I am also a mother of triplets, all girls, born at only 24 weeks. Ultimately two of my girls passed away and I have one miracle survivor. It's been 2-1/2 years since I said goodbye to my girls but miss them still every day as you can imagine. Hang in there. I always hated to hear it but the pain DOES ease. God Bless.