Sudden Impact

Last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy followed the fall out of a horrific car wreck in which 2 of Seattle Grace's doctors had been involved. Obviously, the mention of a sudden impact was literal, but the story also stressed the need to recognize those sudden impacts which are figurative as well.

To close the episode, the narrator, Meredith, says that sudden impacts happen when we least expect them. We are warned that there is no way to prepare or brace for them. When they occur, our life is changed in an instant and we are never the same.

My sudden impact occurred on April 22, 2010. Many victims of sudden impacts do not remember the moments leading up to the crash or the actual crash itself. It is too traumatic, their minds block out what is too horrific to handle to protect their psyche. I am not so fortunate.

I remember everything about that moment. I remember joking with the ultrasound technician about the fact that I was "still" pregnant (I was 32 weeks and 5 days, my doctor wanted me to make it to 34 weeks) just before I hopped up on the table for her to perform the sonogram. I remember watching her face change as she turned to me and my husband and said with disbelief, "I am so sorry, but Baby B's heart has stopped beating." I remember it felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room as she excused herself to retrieve the doctor, leaving Adam and me to try and process what she had just told us.

Impacts often leave debris and wreckage in their wake. Those who survive them or arrive to assist must wade through all this to try and make sense of what happened and assist those in need. The impact that I experienced has certainly left its share of debris and wreckage. I know, without a doubt, that there is (and always will be) a piece of me in that exam room. The Kirsten that I used to be resides there, and I shall never be "That Girl" again.

Over the last 21 months I have laughed, cried, screamed, raged, begged, pleaded, reasoned, etc... all in the name of trying to piece together the events that unfolded on that day. I know that no amount of this will bring my Boe back, he is gone. I do, however, feel that each time I laugh or cry, scream or rage in Boe's name, I take a little step closer to "That Girl".

Like Meredith said, after a sudden impact we are never the same. My hope is that maybe, just maybe, I can continue to sift through the wreckage to find my way back to someone pretty damn close to "That Girl" I left behind. She was pretty cool and I miss her. I want her back.