I prayed

He is here. Brody Kwint Kinowski came into this world screaming on November 3, 2011. I was scheduled for a c-section on the 4th, but it would seem that our newest family member wanted to enter this world on his own terms. He is beautiful, he is perfect, he is loved... all 9 lbs 1 oz of him.

When I woke up early in the morning on November 3rd feeling the pains of labor, it was yet one more reminder to me that none of "this" is in our hands. I was prepared for a new baby on the 4th, and here it was the 3rd. I love that he chose his birthday. It was a beautiful day, sunny and clear.

Hearing his lusty cry for the first time in the OR was such a departure from the last time I'd been there. Adler and Cameron's cries were tiny, wane, weak, and Boe's silence echoed more loudly than either of his brother's cries. This time everyone joked about my boy's pipes. Rather than being whisked off to the NICU for immediate care, Brody was examined by a neonatologist in the OR, Adam was allowed to cut his cord. People in the room were joyful and congratulatory, not somber and sad.

During the first moments that I held Brody, I would be lying if I said that my thoughts did not drift to Boe. Nearly 18 months before, I had been in that recovery room holding 2 lb 13 oz Boe in my arms. He had been warm and sweet, but painfully still and silent. Now, I sat holding a big, pink, squirming baby boy. I held him close, and I prayed.

I prayed that he would grow up knowing that even though he was not planned, he is wanted and dearly loved. I prayed that he will know he is not a replacement or an attempt to recreate "what should have been". He is his own person, cherished unconditionally, as is. I prayed that Boe knows that even though we have this new little life, it will never diminish his place in our hearts. I prayed for the strength to cherish and love all my children both heavenly and of this earth. I opened my heart to God for the first time in a long time, and I prayed...

And just like that...

As I write this, I am ignoring my children bouncing in their cribs in the other room. They have been extremely naughty today and have refused to nap. I have decided that some "quiet" time is what we all need. Apparently, I am the only one who gets what quiet time means, and I am using mine wisely.

As I near the end of my pregnancy, I seem to be cracking more and more jokes about being "ready" and "done". I know this little guy will come in his own time, or on November 4th at 9 AM, but I really do feel as though I have cracked and will not be able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I am weary, both physically and mentally. I love my children dearly, but their liveliness is exhausting and draining for me at this point. I have become someone that I do not recognize. The ugly mommy who screams and yells because nothing else seems to work.

I know that they are testing me because they know that I am worn down and slow, this only serves to frustrate me more. And then, just when I think it can't get any worse, just when I think I can't take anymore, just like that, something happens that puts all that I am feeling in perspective.

Without divulging too much information, someone I have known nearly all my life was pregnant with twins. Sadly, one passed away at around 23 weeks due to complications which were not compatible with life. She was delivered and the hope was her sister would be able to bake for several more weeks. Yesterday, that sister was born at just over 24 weeks.

I hear stories like this and somehow, my frustration and discomfort seem SO very insignificant, so very small compared to that which others are being asked to endure. I hear things like this and I am forced to pause and reflect upon how grateful I am to have my little ones running around, as crazy and naughty as they may be.

The bottom line is, there will always be someone somewhere who has it worse than I. There will always be someone who seems to have to endure more hardship and pain than I could ever fathom. There will always be someone who is being asked to enter into the darkest days of their life as I am just beginning to sense the sun again.

The next 8 days will be trying, no doubt. A friend of mine pointed out today that 11/4/11 adds up to 4/22, Adler, Boe and Cameron's birthday. Having that connection and carrying with me the knowledge that not too far away a little baby girl was born far too soon and fights for her life will be the fuel I need to make it 8 more days. And just like that...

Journey's End

I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant, the most pregnant I have ever been. We have scheduled a c-section for Friday, November, 4 at 9 AM. I know, now, that in two weeks or less, I'll be meeting my last child and holding him for the first time. I have tried so hard through out this pregnancy to not complain, for I know there are so many women who long to be in the position which I currently find myself.

Yet, here I am, full-term, and I am SO ready for this journey to be over and the next leg to begin. These past 37 weeks have been some of the most trying of my life, both physically and emotionally. Physically, one would think that the burden of carrying 3 children at once would be far harder than carrying one. Such is not the case (at least for me). This pregnancy has been the most physically trying I have endured. Perhaps it is because I now have the little one growing inside of me who depletes my resources and the 3 on the outside who use me as a jungle gym, cuddle spot, warm blankey, etc... all needing me in their own way. My hips are sore, I am tired, I am always thirsty and hungry, I can't breathe, not to mention, I feel totally unlike "ME". I am swollen, slow and see a tired, sad face staring back at me when I happen by a mirror.

Emotionally, these past 37 weeks have been like the world's craziest roller coaster. There have been moments of excitement and joy, there have been moments of fear and anxiety, moments of anger and frustration, and moments of great sadness and worry. I am in a place now where I am excited to meet this little being, whoever he may be.

In the past, my husband and I have always had everything ready well before our babies were expected to arrive. Not this time. There is no crib in the nursery yet, no pack-n-play next to our bed, no sanitized bottles, no car seat in the car, my bag is hardly packed. We figured, why bother? We have always been so prepared, and look where it has gotten us. This time, as hard as it has been for both of us, we've been winging it. Now that the moment is nearly upon us, we are taking a wait and see approach on this little one's arrival. We don't even have his name picked out. We are going to just wait and see what he looks like when he comes out, pink and screaming.

In the final days of my life as a pregnant woman, I try very hard to savor every kick, move, hiccup and contraction I feel. They will be the last I experience. Nothing about my journey to become a mother has been "normal" or "textbook", and I am at peace with the fact that I will never have that as a part of my story.

As this journey comes to a close, I can look back over the last 3 years, and especially 37 weeks, with both great joy and great sorrow. Fortunately, for me, the voyage has had way more joy than sorrow. The sorrow will be something that I carry quietly with me forever; however, I am certain that it will only serve to make me a better mother, wife and person. When our little boy finally enters this world in the next 2 weeks, he will open a new chapter in our life. God willing, it will be a chapter filled with much joy and happiness. A chapter that will give us and those around us hope that even after the darkest of days has been upon us, the sun can shine again. Its light can warm our hearts and minds so that we can openly and unabashedly enjoy the life which God has intended for us all along.

Retracing Steps

I am 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant. This is 3 weeks farther than I made it in to my triplet pregnancy and 3 days less than I made it in to my pregnancy with my daughter, Libby. The good news is that my cervix has not begun to dilate (I was already 1 cm dilated with Libby by this point), my weight gain is very good, and my blood pressure low. The baby's head is down and it is just a matter of time.

The bad news is that my doctor wants me to begin fetal monitoring because I am AMA. Advanced Maternal Age. I know most women would be ecstatic for the opportunity to "look in" on their bun; to see him/her cooking, little heart beating, little limbs moving, etc., most likely inspires joy and the anticipation of meeting their little one. I am not one of those women. Having to return to Fetal Diagnostics at the hospital fills me with dread and sadness. It is the last place and time that I saw Boe alive.

Will I be able to walk in to that office and possibly see one of the same nurses again? Will I be able to look at my baby on the screen and separate him from my memories and recollections of that last time I was there? Will seeing him float around in my belly inspire the excitement and joy that I WANT to feel, or will it only amplify the sadness I still carry over Boe's death?

When my doctor told me at today's appointment that he wanted me to start doing this twice a week for the remainder of my pregnancy, I held it together and made my appointments. It wasn't until I reached the elevator with my husband that the tears started to flow. He knew right away what I was thinking.

I know that Boe is watching us from above and that he and God want us to have this baby since we can't have Boe here with us. I hope and pray that this little Baby, whoever he is, does not think that he will always be a reminder of or a substitute for Boe. He is his own little person and will forge his own way in this world.

I am certain that when he arrives, it will be on his own terms and all the angst and fear that Adam and I have felt over the last several months will melt away. Having this new baby will never undo Boe's death, but I do believe that he will bring some joy and some light to a place that has been dark for far too long. I will probably look at his face when I hold him for the first time and think about how silly I was to be worried over something as silly as revisiting the last place I knew Boe was alive, but until then... what do I do?

Everything I've ever wanted... Just not quite how I had planned.

This is so true. If I think back on what I have always dreamed my life would be, with rare exception, I have what I always envisioned. When I was in high school, I concocted my "plan"; the blueprint that designed my future through college and beyond. It went something like this:

1. Get married at age 20

2. Start a family right away, having 4 children spaced 2 years apart. I figured if I did this, I would be done by age 28 and still young and hot.

3. Live life to its fullest because my plan had played out exactly as I had planned.

I had it all figured out, right? If only. God did hear my plan, and in someways he did listen. I just think my ability to communicate my plan to him became a bit like the game of "Telephone", he heard me, it just got lost in translation. I say this because this is how it happened:

1. Meet future husband at 26, marry him at 28. Shouldn't I have 4 kids by now???

2. Live life to its fullest and enjoy my husband for 4 years before even entertaining that "kid" thing.

3. Try for 2 years to conceive and then give birth to my daughter 1 week after my 35th birthday. Shouldn't I have a 14, 12, 10 and 8 year old by now?

4. When my daughter is 6 months old, conceive spontaneous triplet boys. Give birth to them at 32 weeks and 5 days gestation. 1 sleeping, 2 living. I am 36 years old.

5. When my boys are 9 months old, get pregnant again (not on purpose). Miscarry the pregnancy 1 month later.

6. Before even resuming a normal menstrual cycle, get pregnant again (not on purpose). I am 37 years old when the test comes back positive. Shouldn't I have a 16, 14, 12 and 10 year old by now?

7. Still being written...

So you see, God DID hear me, sorta. He heard 4 children and he heard spaced 2 years apart. What he did not hear was that I wanted them EACH to have 2 years between them, not all be born within 2 years. He also seemed to miss the fact that I, of course, wanted them all alive, here with me.

I am past the point where I "blame" Him. In keeping with the title of my blog, we may have one plan for ourselves, while His is totally different. Not wrong, not bad, just different. I DO have everything I ever wanted. I have a loving and supportive husband, and he was soooo worth the extra 6 years I waited. I have 4 beautiful children, 3 living and 1 in heaven, with 1 more on the way. God heard me there too. I'll have 4 children with me on this Earth, I just get an extra one up above. I have a beautiful, warm home filled with laughter and chaos, I am healthy, and I am loved.

So you see, even though life may not always work out as WE had planned, it does work out as planned. Just not our plan. This is a daily reminder to me that I need to keep my mantra in the front of my thoughts. What happens to me in this life is not up to me. It is not my design. I must remember to want what I have and take what I'm given with grace.

Sensitivity 101

So, there's this new "game" circulating on Facebook that is designed to bring awareness to Breast Cancer. This "game" basically has women who choose to participate post how "far along" they are in their pregnancy and what they are craving. For example, I am 14 weeks and craving M & M's.

I am all for raising awareness of causes which are near and dear to our hearts, but to do so by posting a fake pregnancy is beyond repugnant. I am sure there is some other fun and creative way to bring awareness to a cause that does not involve trivializing the sanctity of life. I have asked my self if I am being overly sensitive to be bothered by this "game".

I have decided that, no, I am not being overly sensitive. As a woman who has lost a child, I find creating a fake pregnancy for the sake of raising awareness for a totally unrelated cause to be extremely gauche and flat out insensitive to the scores of women who have lost a child.

Why not post your dream bra size? Or how old you were when you first got a training bra? Better yet, just post "Save the Ta-tas" or "I love Boobies". Short, sweet and to the point. It is so very sad to me that so many people are so quick to post a status that champions something such as cancer, how wonderful your mother is, what a superior sibling you are, but very few people are willing to change their status to something which has to do with the loss of a child.

I'm sure very few people even know that more children are lost to stillbirth every year than die of SIDS. Yet, how much information are we bombarded with in relation to a tragic happening such as SIDS???

Don't get me wrong, causes such as cancer awareness, the prevention of abuse, drunk driving, smoking, etc... are all quite noble and I personally support all of them; however, I think we all, as human beings sharing this life, need to be a little bit more sensitive to what we say and how we say it. Not that we need to be "politically correct", that ship has sailed way TOO FAR in my opinion. We simply need to be a bit more AWARE for lack of a better term.

So, I challenge those of you who read this to find out if and when there is an "Awareness" month or day to bring attention to child loss. Post something pertinent and sensitive as your Facebook status on this day. In the meantime, I'll play along at your little "game".

I am 30 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow baby, whose name is Brody. I am craving the feel of my little boy Boe in my arms.

Dear "Unknown",

This is the FIRST and ONLY time I shall ever write a post such as this. When I started this blog, it was designed to be my "safe place" to vent any and all feelings that I was experiencing as I navigated through Boe's loss, NO MATTER HOW UGLY, etc. This blog serves as a sounding board for me. It helps me to organize my thoughts and sort through them, sometimes BEFORE I speak to my husband or others about them. I guess, in a way, this blog helps me to blow off steam and take the angry edge off of my feelings so that when I do speak to the individuals (who I am always very careful not to name) in question, I can be clear, focused and kind when I impart my feelings.

Well, yesterday, my sanctuary was violated. Someone, titling themselves simple as "Unknown", posted a comment to my post that was very distressing, hurtful and disappointing to me. I am not going to give this person's comment too much energy because I think the fact that they refuse to identify who they are speaks volumes about their character (or lack thereof, should I say?).

Apparently, "Unknown" feels that Adam and I have not returned any of their efforts to correspond with us in the months since Boe's passing. Adam and I both find this very odd, as we try very hard to return all calls, texts, etc... even if it takes a few days for us to do so. "Unknown" also alludes to the fact that people do not bring up Boe or his passing because they don't want to go "there" and upset me. Perhaps "Unknown" needs to reread a few paragraphs of my entry, but I specifically say that IT WILL ALWAYS BE SAD. The mention of Boe's name will always strike a chord with me, IT |DOES NOT MEAN THAT I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM. I go on to say that not mentioning him hurts worse than talking about him.

"Unknown" purports to love me and my family and says they just want "to love on" my family. If that was the case "Unknown" would have let their name be known so that Adam and I might have the opportunity to take them up on offers of help and support if they are being put out there. "Unknown" 's parting words are "Keep your head held high".

I DO keep my head held high. I try to live everyday of my life being a kind and compassionate mother, wife and friend. I know there are times when I fall short in any or all of these categories, those are opportunities to grow and learn. I am a person who believes very strongly in justice and fairness and I try to love my life in this way as well.

What is not just or fair is that "Unknown" felt that is was OK to take my place of refuge and sanctuary and turn it in to a platform for their hurt feelings and grievances toward me and Adam. This is MY place, MY feelings, MY journey for BOE. I will not allow people who do not have the strength to address me personally to taint my place for Boe.

So, Unknown, whoever you may be. If you have an issue with me or my husband, clearly you know how to get in contact with us since you claim to have tried on numerous occasions in the last 16 months. Please, contact us personally, and we WILL get back to you. My blog about my son is not your place to tell me how pissed off you are at me because you feel that I have failed you during my grief.

And that's all I have to say about that.